The second time [I posed for him] was the weird one . . . Uncle Terry was feeling frisky that day! I told him I had my period so I wanted to keep my underwear on, and he asked me to take my tampon out for him to play with. “I love tampons!” he said, in that psychotically upbeat way that temporarily convinces so many girls that what’s fun for Uncle Terry is fun for them. I politely declined his offer to make tea out of my bloody cunt plug. It was then that he decided to just get naked.

Before I could say “whoa, whoa, whoa!” dude was wearing only his tattoos and waggling the biggest dick I’d ever seen dangerously close to my unclothed person (granted, I hadn’t seen very many yet). “Why don’t you take some pictures of me?” he asked. Um, sure.

I’m not sure how he maneuvered me over to the couch, but at some point he strongly suggested I touch his terrifying penis. Who the heck specifically requests a handjob, that most unpopular of sex acts . . . ?

This is where I zoom out on the situation. I can remember doing this stuff, but even at the time, it was sort of like watching someone else do it, someone who couldn’t possibly be me because I would never touch a creepy photographer’s penis. The only explanation I can come up with is that he was so darn friendly and happy about it all, and his assistants were so stoked on it as well, that I didn’t want to be the killjoy in the room.

I must have said something about finals, because he told me, “if you make me come, you get an A.” So I did! Pretty fast, I might add. All over my left hand. His assistant handed me a towel.

It just goes to show you how far some oversized Williamsburg plastic glasses, a camera and a positive attitude will get you. One minute, you’re some simpering pedo-looking worm who couldn’t get a date with a calendar, and the next, you’re a simpering ped0-looking worm with your jizz on a 19-year-old model hand.

Britney Spears is once again a solo artist. The 28-year-old pop princess and her talent-agent boyfriend Jason Trawick called it quits at the end of February after about a year of dating, a source exclusively tells E! News.

“They were fighting a lot and have not been getting along,” the source says.

While Bossip scoops:

It looks like all that tabloid talk of Kim and Reggie having relationship trouble is true. Sources tell BOSSIP exclusively that the two have split up. Last week Reggie confirmed the breakup with friends, saying that while he really cares about Kim, all the negative media attention he got following the Super Bowl thanks to her pushiness sent him over the edge. His Super Bowl win was such an important time in his life, but Kim made it all about her.

Let’s be honest, it’s not like this news will affect your life anyway. Like, Britney and Kim are not going to be interested in you. And even if they are, they’re not going to give you their numbers. And even if they do, you’re not going to call. And even if you do, they’re not going to agree to go out with you. And even if they do, it’s not like they’re going to have a threesome with you. And even if they do, don’t bet on them polygamist marrying you.

While Jesse [James] has had an 11-month affair, including five weeks of sex, with Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, she believed he and Sandra [Bullock] were no longer together. “I would never have hooked up with him if I thought he was a married man,” Michelle tells In Touch in an exclusive interview. “He gave me the impression they were separated.” For weeks, while Sandra was in Atlanta shooting The Blind Side, Michelle had sex at least once a week with the Monster Garage star.

While Jesse was in Atlanta with Sandra when she started to film The Blind Side, Michelle sent West Coast Choppers a friend request because she hoped to snag a modeling gig there.  “[Jesse] started saying, ‘Do you want to hang out?’” So a week after he got in touch, Michelle drove two hours from her San Diego home to West Coast Choppers in LA. After taking Michelle on a tour of his garage, Jesse brought her into his office and locked the door. “We ended up on the couch,” she says. “He wanted to watch movies, but I asked him, ‘What’s going on with you and Sandra?’” Jesse was evasive. “He said, ‘She doesn’t live here. She has a house in Austin. She is filming, and I can’t talk about it.’” Assuming he and Sandra were separated, Michelle continued talking to Jesse, she says, and then, “We had intimate relations.” Michelle says she and Jesse had sex “two or three times,” that night — and began what she believed was a serious relationship, texting each other several times a day, and meeting up for sex at least twice a week for the next five weeks.

. . . Michelle even says she called Jesse, who didn’t wear underwear or condoms, by a special pet name, Vanilla Gorilla, because he was so “well-endowed.”

Well, you know what this means. The Butterscotch Stallion and the Vanilla Gorilla will have to enter the ring and go head to head to determine who is the most gloriously-flavored beast. The Stallion boasts a majestic, glimmering mane, but can he beat the sheer brute power and naturally bean-flavored intelligence of the Gorilla, or will they combine forces to create a most delicious Starbucks syrup shot?

“I was kind of, like, tired of telling everyone what I’m doing,” Cyrus told Movieline. “I hate when I read things and celebrities are complaining like, ‘I have no personal life.’ I’m like, well, that’s because you write everything that you’re doing.”

Asked if the change has been for the better, Cyrus took a moment to consider, then said, “I’m a lot less on my phone, I’m a little bit more social. I have a lot more real friends as opposed to friends who are on the internet who I’m talking to — which is like not cool, not safe, not fun and most likely not real. I think everything is just better when you’re not so wrapped up in [the internet].”

“I just think it’s kind of lame,” Cyrus continued. “I feel like I hang out with my friends and they’re so busy taking pictures of what they’re doing and putting them on Facebook that they’re not really enjoying what they’re doing. You’re going to look back and have a million pictures, but you’re not going to be in any of them. Because you’re not having fun, you’re too busy clicking away. So I think just enjoy the moment you’re in, and stop telling people about it. Just enjoy it.”

Does she realize she sounds like a mom when she says stuff like that?

“Yes, I do,” she answered, smiling. “I’m telling kids, don’t go on the internet, it’s dangerous, it’s not fun, it wastes your life, and you should be outside playing sports or something.”

So that explains the atomic bomb that recently hit our traffic and sent it to the sewer. Our readers are all Miley Cyrus fans, eschewing their CNW fix to make merry in a field with a kickball.

“No intimate love scene like that is going to be easy whether it’s with a man or a woman,” says Seyfried.  “I think we got through it as best we could.”  She praises Moore for her willingness to collaborate. “Julianne treated me like a peer and like a teammate,” she notes. “We had to discover something, a relationship–we had to work through it together. It was amazingly generous for someone like her, so established and so unbelievably intelligent, to be able to give me her respect.”

According to Celebitchy, “the basic plot of Chloe is that Julianne and Liam play a married couple, and Julianne fears her husband is having an affair. So she hires a hooker (Seyfried) to seduce Liam’s character as a test.” Which is incredibly realistic. Hookers who look like Amanda Seyfried are a dime a dozen. Why, I was just down at the bus station the other day and there was a veritable gaggle of Seyfrieds. Right next to the homeless men who look like Robert Pattinson and the Megan Fox lookalike who was sifting through the trash to find cigarette butts to eat.

Amanda in the latest issue of Esquire, offering you a $5 HJ:

“Kate and Sam are saddened to announce that they separated earlier this year,” the couple’s lawyers, Schillings law firm, said in a statement. “The split is entirely amicable and is by mutual agreement. Both parties are fully committed to the future joint parenting of their children. They ask that the media respect the privacy of the family.”

There’s no information on why the couple has ended things, but we assume it’s because she found out he directed American Beauty. “American Beauty? American Beauty? With the plastic bag and the Kevin Spacey?” Kate said in between gasps of uncontrollable chortling. “That was you? Seriously? Hahaha! Oh man. And all this time I thought you directed American Pie. Now that was a good movie. Man, that Stifler cracks me up.”

After a year-long romance, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy have broken up, a rep has confirmed exclusively to PEOPLE.

No further details were available, leaving us to speculate that the combined power of her vagazzled vagine and her pear ass was just a little too much sparkle and fruit for Jamie to take.