CelebNewsWire

CNW Junk Drawer: Nothing Tastes as Good as Visible Vertebrae Feel

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:07:56 +0000

Naked Hayden Panettiere pretends to fellate a gun, then gets a face full of liquid. Just like your mom every Wednesday haaaaaay! (The Blemish)
Miley Cyrus’s tour bus entourage involved in crash. One person (not Miley) was killed. Hey that’s not funny. (PopEater)
But you know what IS funny? 16-year-old Miley dressing up like a hooker for funsies. (Celebitchy)
Oprah is quitting her show. Who cares. She’s probably also leaving Chicago. TRAITOR! (Litely Salted)
Kate Moss says that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. She’s obviously never had an authentic West Virginia pepperoni roll. (Celebrity Milkshake)
Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning share a girl-girl kiss in The Runaways. Hello, Daddy. Hello, Mom. (PopCrunch)
Dawson’s getting divorced! James Van Der Beek says to wife Heather McComb, “I don’t want . . . yer wife.” (BuzzHollywood)
More hilarity daily if you follow us on Twitter.

Rihanna Won’t Suffer Pinky Dicks

Agent E. — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:56:22 +0000

We love it when celebrities are honest. Some famous lady talks about how she farted in her costar’s face when he was giving her a movie mouthjob? That’s cool. So we’re all for Rihanna telling everybody how much she wants a giant wang. Oh wait, that sounded wrong. She doesn’t want to BE a dude with a giant wang. She wants to HUMP a dude with a giant wang. As far as we know, Rihanna does not want to become a man. Sorry for the confusion. Anyway, our gossip doula, FemaleFirst, reports:

When asked what a guy needed to impress her, she quipped to German magazine Bravo: “He has to be good in bed and the size matters. You know what I mean?

“The inner beauty counts as well, but without a toy it doesn’t make it fun. Right now I don’t want to have a serious relationship, I want to have fun.”

She said: “I love flirting at the moment. I’m single and I’m enjoying my freedom. But I don’t give my phone number out that often. But if I’m dating, I check the boy from the top to the bottom.”

Well she sure had a big dick when she was dating Chris Brown.

Our RSS feed has the biggest dick of all.

Pretty Ladies in Their Skivvies

Agent E. — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:33:38 +0000

You might wonder why we’re bothering to yammer on about supermodels in their underwear when we’ve got actual naked supermodels to talk about, but you know what? Fuck it. We like the annual Victoria’s Secret fashion show and we don’t care who knows it. Heidi Klum’s usually there, and she’s pretty and funny and we like her. We bet if she got some poop smeared on her face while changing one of her bairns, she’d just laugh it off, maybe even take a few pictures, put one on her Christmas card with the caption “I got shit on my kisser.” That just seems like the kind of broad she is. Plus, Vicky’s S always puts together some ridiculous diamond-covered monstrosity that costs somewhere in the neighborhood of Simon Cowell’s weekly salary and looks like it would give a girl lots of unsightly scratches and a heap of back pain.

There are a bunch more VS fashion show pics at Yeeeah!, if you’re so inclined.

Also, don’t be a dick. Be our fan on Facebook.

I Don’t Think You’re Ready for This Pirelli: 2010 Naked Lady/Tire Calendar

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:27:28 +0000

Michelin uses a jolly character seemingly constructed of coiled feces, and Goodyear has a big fat blimp. Tire advertising sucks except for Pirelli, whose entire sales model is based on elitism and naked supermodels. Which makes perfect sense, because when we think of rubber spheres bolted to your vehicle, we think of snobbery and the pert breasts of a gangly 20-year-old from a remote town in Brazil. After the cut, we have a sneak peek of the 2010 Pirelli calendar, featuring that dude from Bush’s incredibly hot bastard child Daisy Lowe, and a great shot of Miranda Kerr topless. It’s the most effective use of overalls with one strap down since the Funky Bunch!

Top row, L-R: Daisy Lowe and Catherine McNeil, Georgina Stojiljkovic and a sloth, Marloes Horst

Bottom row, L-R: Miranda Kerr, Rosie Huntington-Whitely

Scratch and Sniff

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:45:26 +0000

It’s been two days since Megan Fox did anything and we’re getting the DTs. Luckily, a bunch of outtakes from her New York Times photo shoot leaked and look! She’s wearing a little ice skating uniform! Awww. It looks just like Ice Castles, if Lexie looked like a porn star instead of Lynn-Holly Johnson, and liked to spread ‘em and expose her snap-up crotch instead of doing triple axels face first into a table.

Leighton Meester Demonstrates Twoface Abilities

Agent E. — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:33:30 +0000

That picture to your left there? That’s Leighton Meester when she’s allowed to do her own makeup. She looks like she’s about to dislocate her jaw so that she can wrap those clown lips completely around your head and slurp you up in one fluid swallow. But below we have a more pleasing representation. GQ finally released more pics from that ooh, girl you naughty photo shoot we showed you the other day. She looks ready to slurp up something, sure, but not in a cannibalistic alien sort of way, but more of a “new from Vivid” sort of way.

Keeley Hazell Saves Animals with Breasts

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:30:48 +0000

PETA is probably the most reviled group of capital letters outside of NAMBLA. They do stuff that makes the most hardcore of animal activists ashamed. And the worst thing they’ve ever done is create that “I’d rather go naked than wear fur” ad campaign because none of the women are actually naked in it! I mean, sure, they’re naked, but they’ll have an arm coquettishly propped against their ham bags (totally not vegan!) or a broom or lamp or something hiding their pudendae. Leave it to British big boob lady Keeley Hazell to buck convention and actually show her gut-clutchingly awesome and huge and natural rack. And this time, the ad actually worked! We were about to leave the office to go strut around like Joe Jackson in a full-length chinchilla and then take a drive in our panda-upholstered Bentley but now we’re going to stay home to eat TVP and touch ourselves down there.

NSFW Pics after the cut.

The Jug Is Leaking

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:05:21 +0000

Last month, Amy Winehouse debuted her new breast implants by puffing out her shiny new chest and strutting around on the street like she was a male quail showing off her fine plumage to a hen. But it looks like even this improvement has literally blown up in her face because her fake boob is leaking. She was hospitalized earlier this week for a reaction to cold medicine (haw!), but, according to her helpful father:

Mitch Winehouse has rubbished claims that his daughter Amy went to hospital the other day for a cold .

Mitch said: “It wasn’t because she had a cold. She’s fine, she just had a little (pointing to his chest) leaky something or other.”

A friend of Amy’s adds: “She saw something oozing out on to her top. She was worried as they looked wonky and to see stuff seeping out was horrible.

She’s only had those things for one month! That’s what happens when you shop the clearance rack at Crazy Eddie’s House of Titties. It’s like Loehmann’s, but with a better dressing room.

Mariah Carey Demands Kittens

Agent E. — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:00:54 +0000

We think Mariah Carey is the closest the world will ever come to a real Disney princess come to life. In fact, we’re kind of surprised that we don’t see her decked out in frilly pink gowns with skirts the diameter of dinner tables more often. But we’re not at all surprised that Mariah demanded 20 white kittens and a wand just to flip on some damn lights. Our gossip fairy godmother, FemaleFirst, reports:

Mariah Carey request to have 20 white kittens at a Christmas lights switch-on has been blocked.

The diva reportedly wanted the young felines and 100 white doves to accompany her at the extravagant switch-on ceremony at Westfield shopping centre, in west London.

She also requested to be showered with butterfly-shaped confetti – her favourite insect – while standing on a pink podium and waving a magic wand.

What’s the big deal? She just wanted a few kitties to walk around her feet mewling. It’s not like she was requesting that they all climb up the Christmas tree and do a synchronized “Single Ladies” dance. Which, by the way, she totally should have have, cause that would have been awesome.

Mariah likes Twitter cause it reminds her of little birdies. So follow us. Mariah wants you to.

Godspeed, Nicole Richie

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 22:53:03 +0000

Nicole Richie was in court earlier this week, trying to get a restraining order against two paparazzi who chased her car. But she’s got bigger problems now. US Weekly reports:

Nicole Richie has checked herself into a Los Angeles hospital.

A rep for the star tells Usmagazine.com, “Nicole has checked into Cedars-Sinai where she is being treated for pneumonia. She is doing well.”

Cripes, it’s a good thing this didn’t happen in 2005, when she weighed 86 pounds. She now has slightly more body mass with which to fight off disease, plus modern medicine has improved in leaps and bounds since then, and now one simple pill can evict the Flubber-like family of crass green blobs that have turned your alveoli into a hostel.

P.S. Holy shit! Stories about Paris and Nicole at the top of the blog! Oh, nostalgia! Now we just have to drag Sisqo out of retirement.